Sara Reguera was just two years old when she entered the care of the Community of Madrid. “I stayed in two children’s homes until I was six, when I went to live with my parents, with my family,” she shared. Although she has since come to terms with it, Sara initially felt her adoption was a stigma she wanted to hide. “It made me feel like I was stained. As a child, I enjoyed talking about it, but over time, you see how people react, and you realize that your experience growing up is different from most. It leaves you feeling a bit small.”
Luda Merino, who was nearly three when her adoptive mother Margarita took her from a Russian orphanage to Madrid, views adoption as just one part of her life. Still, she admits it has shaped her identity. “It’s a part of me, but it’s not inherently bad. What’s challenging are the traumas I’ve experienced and everything that comes with them.”
Montse Lapastora, a psychologist specializing in adoption, emphasizes that “adopted children do not have issues because they were adopted, but because they were abandoned.” This loss creates a break in their emotional bond. “It’s like cutting the cord,” she explains. When this happens, a part of the person may never be the same again. The long-term effects vary by individual, but many adopted people face common struggles. They often deal with low self-esteem, a belief that something is wrong with them, and difficulties in learning and social interactions.
Vandita García, vice president of the Atlas Adoption and Foster Association, notes that the challenges of adoption can manifest in various ways. Not all issues lead to disruptive behavior; some children may become overly compliant, aiming to please to avoid abandonment. “These are the more invisible children. We might think nothing is wrong, but they are trying to hide what they feel, which can have serious consequences.”
Reflecting on her childhood, Luda recalls her distress, saying, “I would scream every five minutes, not eat, and would hit myself without feeling anything—no tears.” Today, she identifies her fear of abandonment as one of her major traumas, explaining, “The feeling that something about me makes people not want me is constant and distressing.” Sara describes a sense of never truly fitting in. “I would bounce around different friend groups and felt I had to give 100% so they would like me. Whenever I made a mistake, I would run away,” she recalls.
Every parent hopes their child will avoid trauma, but García reminds us that adopted children aren’t blank slates. They come with life experiences, and caregivers need to adapt to these backgrounds. Adjusting expectations and catering education to their needs are crucial. “A child may need care typical of a much younger age if they’ve been deprived of that care,” she points out.
Lapastora emphasizes that conventional cognitive-behavioral therapy may not always work for adopted children. “A child with an adoption history does not perceive punishment similarly to a biological child. Just leaving them alone for a few minutes can re-traumatize them.” For these children, the important process involves individualization and learning what it’s like to have a mother and father.
However, adapting is not simple and often demands considerable time. Children from international adoptions may abruptly switch cultures and languages. Atlas representatives explain that some express a desire not to be adopted, and while adults may understand the necessity, explaining it to the child is essential.
Parents might feel affection for their child upon first seeing their picture, but this bond is not always mutual. Sometimes, children experience their adoption as a tragedy, leading to delayed or unformed attachments. “Families may struggle to connect if they haven’t adjusted their expectations,” García notes. A well-meaning hug might be interpreted as aggression by a child who has experienced trauma. Both García and Lapastora stress that adoption is not a suitable choice for everyone. Those considering it must seek education and be ready to support the child through all circumstances.
Laura Cañete, known as Mis Hilos Rojos on social media, has a more optimistic view of motherhood. She states, “For me, adoption was a genuine option and life led me here.” She speaks positively about her three children and acknowledges the challenges but insists that they are her greatest joy.
She underscores the importance of being calm and fully committed before adopting. “This cannot be a plan B or a consolation prize; be prepared for diverse questions and situations.” The focus should be on helping children understand that family provides love, even amidst mistakes.
Sara frequently acknowledges that her parents did a great job easing her transition into their family, which might explain why she considers them family. However, potential parents should be prepared for the possibility that this connection may never fully develop. “Adoption must come from a completely altruistic feeling. Don’t view it as a way to fill a void; you can’t have expectations, as your children may not see you as a parent,” she stresses. “We are not an alternative for children; we are in a situation we didn’t choose.”
Image and News Source: https://www.infobae.com/espana/2024/07/21/la-adopcion-bajo-escrutinio-no-somos-una-alternativa-para-suplir-a-los-ninos-estamos-en-una-situacion-que-no-hemos-escogido/
